HALLOWEEN DO'S

This a-hole took my pun'kins!

All Hallows' Eve is upon us, my little ghouls and boys.  In just a matter of hours, all of the little ghosts, goblins, and me, dressed up with a mask and body-concealing costume pretending to be an oversized 8-year-old will take to the streets to trick-or-treat and maybe jack a few bags from unsuspecting, unchaperoned children.  Are you ready?  I'm not. You know why? Because Wal-Mart has no pumpkins. I repeat, Wal-Mart has no pumpkins. And even worse, those sick bastards had all of their Christmas stuff out.  I heard a little musical tree playing Jingle Bells and almost Exorcist-style vomited.  Sadly, we are living in a world where November 1st is no longer a suitable date to put out the Christmas displays. These people are obviously not familiar with the old proverb, "Every time an early Christmas bell rings, a slutty angel loses her wings." Anyway, I proceeded to drive around for 3 hours last night looking high and low at every grocery store, roadside stand, and darkened porch for a pumpkin and found not a one. The only thing I can imagine that happened was that all of those girls who obsessively talk about pumpkin flavored stuff on Facebook ransacked them all and are keeping them as sex slaves in their basements - "You're all mine pumpkins!  You're all mine!"  So I will venture out again tonight in search of "The Great Pumpkin" or as I like to call it, "Whatever Crappy-Ass Pumpkin Is Left."  And while I'm at it, I may throw a few last minute decorations around the yard and download some chainsaw noises to my iPod.  Which brings me to today's topic:  Halloween Do's.  The following are a few ideas I deem acceptable (because my opinion is the greatest) for your Halloween decor. If you stay within these guidelines, I might not smash your pumpkin, roll your trees, spray paint the word "skank" in your driveway and fork your yard this year.  I said might.

DO use bird cages and moss to make some creepy/chic decor.

DO make a disgusting, inedible looking meatloaf that no one
else will want to eat and you can have all to yourself.

DO put together a mad doctor's apothecary of "poison" treats.

DO answer the door wearing this mask and tell your
neighbors, "Oh I just had this lying around" and they
will never ask you to babysit again.  

DO put some gorgeously scary chicken wire dresses in your yard.
Play a creepy old waltz on repeat for added fright.

Slasher cake.  It's a DO.  It's always a DO.
This is actually from my wedding.

DO make some eerie terrariums.

Homemade body bag.  Consider it a DO.  Plus you can throw it in your
trunk later on and use it to mess with the bag boy at the grocery store.
"Oh, what on earth is that doing in there?"

DO play around with some black mirrors.  Scary chic!

Soulless baby doll heads on springs.
They're not just for birthdays & Bar Mitzvahs anymore.
They're a DO.

DO put a beautifully scary wreath on your door.  

DO put some glow-in-the-dark flamingos in your yard.
Glow-in-the-dark trailer trash people sold separately.

DO spray your pumpkins with metallic paint.
Love the address # stenciled on the pumpkin.

DO put some terrifying silhouettes in the windows.
If you're feeling ambitious, do a moving display inspired by
90's decorator du jour, Kevin from Home Alone.

DO make a DIY Silence of the Lambs inspired head jar.
DO eat it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti (pronounced Kee-ant-ee).

Horrifying baby-head garland is a major DO.
Basically, anything that involves creepy babydolls is a DO.

Unless you're an adult who keeps hundreds of them in cradles in your bedroom,
and you refer to them as "My little dears" and you breastfeed them,
and read them bedtime stories and then kiss them goodnight.

DO put a Medusa inspired wreath on your door.  

Cheesecloth ghosts.  A DO.  For an added creepy
touch, tell trick-or-treaters you modeled the faces off
of the family tied up in your basement.  

Good news: You can finally pull Crazy Aunt Sally's Christmas gift
from last year out of the attic and put it to good use.  DO it.